Saturday, September 24, 2011

SkyMall - Where Dreams Come True

You may have heard of the magical wonders held within the pages of SkyMall - The mail-order catalogue found in the back seat pockets of airplanes. If you aren't familiar, just unscrunch your legs next time you're in the sky, look past the barf-bag and the water landing tutorial, and I'm certain that you'll find a tattered periodical filled with products that you've only dreamed of.

I've taken the liberty of highlighting a few of the wonders I found in my issue of SkyMall below. This is only a peek into the ingenuity that can be found inside.

For the Pets

The Potty Porch
As a pet owner who is also an apartment dweller, I've always thought to myself, "I love having a big dog in a tiny space, but you know what is missing?"

"A box full of dog piss."

Yep. I'd say that I'd rather have an astro-turf box of urine in place of where my recliner should be.

The headline reads, "Go ahead and sleep in late this weekend, your dog has a yard of his own". So now, you are not only a cruel dog owner, you're also a lazy one.

So strap on that doggie sweater that you've been waiting to put on little Rover, and complete the humiliation of your canine friend.

At least they can now be humiliated in the privacy of your own loft.

 The Litter Kwitter 3-Step Cat Toilet Training System
 Holy crap. Where do I begin with this one?

First, let me draw your attention to the deranged look on the cat in this picture. This animal is pissed that her owner is not only forcing her to sit on a toilet, but that she is being photographed as well. She's thinking,

"Stop stealing my soul with your devil box!"

In eight short weeks of grappling with your feline, overcoming scratches and bites, not to mention your cat urinating all over you out of spite, you can have an animal that loathes you even more than you originally thought possible.

It even comes with a training DVD. Can't wait for that one.

The Hidden Litter Box and The Dog-Off Deluxe
Instead of letting your cat ruin your potted plants on their own time, why not lead them straight to the deciduous destruction?

Then when your botanist friends come over, you can try to convince them that you've bio-engineered a new breed of CatShit Fern, with Kittie-Litter Berries.

I don't know what's going on with the dog in this picture, but I have a feeling he's just angry about what is happening to this fern.

Or that he's being deluxed by something called a "Dog-Off". I'd be upset too.

Lost in Space - Head Cases 

SkyMall seems to have a ridiculous number of space-aged contraptions that go around your head.

iGrow Laser Hair Rejuvination Treatment

This particular bit of headgear is designed to stimulate hair growth and rejuvination. With a glowing infra-red halo around your cranium, the hair will be sprouting within a few months. In the mean time, your current follicle stock will be grooving to the rave that is thumping on your naked frontal lobe.

Did I mention that it includes iPod compatibility for those of you who are worried about looking cool while donning this hair-helmet?

Don't worry. This is obviously a device that is designed for the fashion conscious.

It even comes with a remote control. Because they know that you'll never want to take the thing off your noggin.

iRestore Hair Laser
Why is it that everyone thinks that the best way to make a new device sound cutting edge is to add a lower-case "i" to the name?

I blame Apple marketing.

This hair growth helm is not officially sanctioned by apple, but it may be a licensed accessory for the Nintendo Wii. Batteries not included.

This contraption also has the signature, "Your hair is here to party in a 2028-spaceman sort of way" red glow. This is so that everyone you meet knows that your head likes to party.

Modes of Travel
If you are tired of rising fuel costs, looking lame by taking public transportation, or the drag of rush hour traffic, this is the sweet ride you've been looking for!

What better way is there to get around, all the while looking like a bad ass? Take the awesomeness of using a skateboard, add the freedom of roller skates, and throw in the roundness the hula hoop for good measure. What do you get? Orbitwheels!

Just strap on these fashionable O-rings, and slide down the walk like Marty McFly in Back to the Future 2 (minus the puffy vest or the coolness of Michael J. Fox).

Be sure to wear your helmet to protect your cranium from the bludgeoning you are sure to receive when you are seen in public with these things on.

Ballistic Shoes by Gravity Defyer
Do these shoes have a spermatozoa as their mascot?!

There is nothing that says "Speed, Comfort, and Agility" like semen and springs. I'd imagine that these shoes are particularly affective while swimming.

This ladies shoe was designed with the ladies foot in mind, taking form elements from the male phallus and using it to sculpt the perfect running shoe.

The Ballistic shoe is lab tested for it's virility, producing short bursts of speed, and it's desire to cuddle after a particularly rousing jog.

Notice the random numbers with adjacent colors that make you think there was true scientific analysis completed.

Try them for yourself, risk free for 60 days! Please note that the only true, risk free form of running shoe is abstinence. Avoid risk, don't run.

SkyMall - The Sky is the Limit

These are just a few of the amazing items that can be found within the lofty pages of the SkyMall The wonders held within are endless, and include furniture, clothing accessories, and appliances. Ever want an eighty inch, blow up television for your back yard? How about a life size statue of a giraffe? Take to the sky, and let the SkyMall make your life complete.



  1. 1) with the shoes: the very fact that they're BALListic? BALL. like the part of a body where sperms are made?

    also, i found the last statistic particularly funny:

    "4 out of 5 purchase a second pair within 3 months..... 87%" now, i've only taken a little math, but i'm pretty sure 4 out of 5 is already a statistic, thus negating the need for a second statistic in the form of a percentage -- especially when that percentage is not the correct percent ratio of 4/5 (80%).

    also, is that supposed to be a comforting stat -- that these shoes need to be rebought after just three months? my best pair of shoes, i've had for years. i guess the type of people that are going to buy the same shoes after 3 months are the same people who are going to be fooled into buying the shoes in the first place by a crappy skymall add.

    2) while the toilet training cat thing is really appealing (no more litter box!), i'm almost certain they could have found a cat that didn't look quite so... constipated? i mean, i've seen my cats go to the bathroom. they don't look pleasant, but they also don't look like the next activity on their agenda is to forcibly remove my soul.

    3) i sincerely want orbit wheels. i don't understand how they work, but the last time i was on a flight with skymall, i saw them, and thought that i wanted them.

  2. Brian,

    I never even thought about the "BALListic" element.

    I'm glad you picked up on the faulty percentages...I guess some of that freshman stats class that made you change your major actually sank in!

    Stay away from the toilet training kit! Look at that cat - Olive will KILL YOU if you make her try to poop in the human toilet.

    Also, the Orbitwheels do look cool. but it's the type of cool that I don't want to be in public, if you know what I mean.