SkyMall - The Adventure Continues

I couldn't let these SkyMall gems get away without comment. The folks at SkyMall obviously scour the world for the newest in fashion, convenience, and technology. These are prime examples:

SunCap

As if this guy could have a more flaky look in the picture to the left. Then he slides his glasses down, through the bill of his hat, and removes all doubt.

I would argue that anyone who is this serious about their sports teams and/or their eye protection is a flake. I try not to judge people by their looks alone, but this look is so strong, it is hard to do anything but shiver.

Note that, if you aren't a die hard sports fan, you can also get the SunCap as a boonie hat. A perfect gift for that gopher-hunting, Dali Llama-assisting, Bill Murray from Caddyshack-type in your life. As long as you want to publicly humiliate said person.


SkyRest Travel Pillow
"This person is able to sleep comfortably in any seat! Can you say the same?"

No. I cannot say the same. If I had that creepy of a mustache, I'd be afraid to go to sleep, for fear that my upper lip would eat me in my sleep.

Not to mention the fact that if I inflated a SkyRest in public, I'd probably be thrown out of the plane for being such a jerk.

The Dallas Morning News is quoted as saying, "But you can be...more comfortable with a SkyRest pillow...Simply lean forward and snooze, and the miles will fly by." I have a feeling that SkyMall edited the full quote, which was something to the affect of, "Ever think to yourself, I'm glad I'm not THAT big of an idiot? But you can be, all while being more comfortable with a SkyRest pillow"

The SkyRest, for those times when you just can't think of another way to piss off your seat partner.

Kenzie Covers
What better way to show how much you love America than by wearing it on your muzzle? Avoid breathing in the noxious fumes of terrorism, avian bird flu, and that smelly guy on the train.

Not feeling patriotic? Now you can customize your mask. Always wish you could wear an impressive creeper-stache like the guy in the picture above? Print it on your safety mask!

Or maybe you just need to complete your ninja outfit with a super ninja respirator - a la Shredder's foot soldiers in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

Whatever design you choose, you're sure to find a breath of fresh air in these masks.

The Pillow Tie
Your eyes do not deceive you. The pillow tie is exactly what it sounds like.

By day, a symbol of corporate professionalism. By mid-afternoon, a soft cushion for your meeting-induced migraine. Simply blow a few puffs of air into the nozzle and find yourself quickly on your way to la la land.

And yes, the item above is a Mustache Mirror. A mirror, with mustaches painted on it. Genius.

Please note the simple, easy to use pictorial diagram under the Pillow Tie, using the same artist as those nonsensical emergency water landing brocures found in the back pocket of the airplane seats. Right next to the SkyMall...

And we've come full circle.

~CW

SkyMall - Where Dreams Come True

You may have heard of the magical wonders held within the pages of SkyMall - The mail-order catalogue found in the back seat pockets of airplanes. If you aren't familiar, just unscrunch your legs next time you're in the sky, look past the barf-bag and the water landing tutorial, and I'm certain that you'll find a tattered periodical filled with products that you've only dreamed of.

I've taken the liberty of highlighting a few of the wonders I found in my issue of SkyMall below. This is only a peek into the ingenuity that can be found inside.

For the Pets

The Potty Porch

As a pet owner who is also an apartment dweller, I've always thought to myself, "I love having a big dog in a tiny space, but you know what is missing?"

"A box full of dog piss."

Yep. I'd say that I'd rather have an astro-turf box of urine in place of where my recliner should be.

The headline reads, "Go ahead and sleep in late this weekend, your dog has a yard of his own". So now, you are not only a cruel dog owner, you're also a lazy one.

So strap on that doggie sweater that you've been waiting to put on little Rover, and complete the humiliation of your canine friend.

At least they can now be humiliated in the privacy of your own loft.

 The Litter Kwitter 3-Step Cat Toilet Training System

 Holy crap. Where do I begin with this one?

First, let me draw your attention to the deranged look on the cat in this picture. This animal is pissed that her owner is not only forcing her to sit on a toilet, but that she is being photographed as well. She's thinking,

"Stop stealing my soul with your devil box!"

In eight short weeks of grappling with your feline, overcoming scratches and bites, not to mention your cat urinating all over you out of spite, you can have an animal that loathes you even more than you originally thought possible.

It even comes with a training DVD. Can't wait for that one.

The Hidden Litter Box and The Dog-Off Deluxe

Instead of letting your cat ruin your potted plants on their own time, why not lead them straight to the deciduous destruction?

Then when your botanist friends come over, you can try to convince them that you've bio-engineered a new breed of CatShit Fern, with Kittie-Litter Berries.

I don't know what's going on with the dog in this picture, but I have a feeling he's just angry about what is happening to this fern.

Or that he's being deluxed by something called a "Dog-Off". I'd be upset too.

Lost in Space - Head Cases 

SkyMall seems to have a ridiculous number of space-aged contraptions that go around your head.

iGrow Laser Hair Rejuvination Treatment

This particular bit of headgear is designed to stimulate hair growth and rejuvination. With a glowing infra-red halo around your cranium, the hair will be sprouting within a few months. In the mean time, your current follicle stock will be grooving to the rave that is thumping on your naked frontal lobe.

Did I mention that it includes iPod compatibility for those of you who are worried about looking cool while donning this hair-helmet?

Don't worry. This is obviously a device that is designed for the fashion conscious.

It even comes with a remote control. Because they know that you'll never want to take the thing off your noggin.

iRestore Hair Laser

Why is it that everyone thinks that the best way to make a new device sound cutting edge is to add a lower-case "i" to the name?

I blame Apple marketing.

This hair growth helm is not officially sanctioned by apple, but it may be a licensed accessory for the Nintendo Wii. Batteries not included.

This contraption also has the signature, "Your hair is here to party in a 2028-spaceman sort of way" red glow. This is so that everyone you meet knows that your head likes to party.

Modes of Travel

Orbitwheels
If you are tired of rising fuel costs, looking lame by taking public transportation, or the drag of rush hour traffic, this is the sweet ride you've been looking for!

What better way is there to get around, all the while looking like a bad ass? Take the awesomeness of using a skateboard, add the freedom of roller skates, and throw in the roundness the hula hoop for good measure. What do you get? Orbitwheels!

Just strap on these fashionable O-rings, and slide down the walk like Marty McFly in Back to the Future 2 (minus the puffy vest or the coolness of Michael J. Fox).

Be sure to wear your helmet to protect your cranium from the bludgeoning you are sure to receive when you are seen in public with these things on.

Ballistic Shoes by Gravity Defyer

Do these shoes have a spermatozoa as their mascot?!

There is nothing that says "Speed, Comfort, and Agility" like semen and springs. I'd imagine that these shoes are particularly affective while swimming.

This ladies shoe was designed with the ladies foot in mind, taking form elements from the male phallus and using it to sculpt the perfect running shoe.

The Ballistic shoe is lab tested for it's virility, producing short bursts of speed, and it's desire to cuddle after a particularly rousing jog.

Notice the random numbers with adjacent colors that make you think there was true scientific analysis completed.

Try them for yourself, risk free for 60 days! Please note that the only true, risk free form of running shoe is abstinence. Avoid risk, don't run.

SkyMall - The Sky is the Limit

These are just a few of the amazing items that can be found within the lofty pages of the SkyMall The wonders held within are endless, and include furniture, clothing accessories, and appliances. Ever want an eighty inch, blow up television for your back yard? How about a life size statue of a giraffe? Take to the sky, and let the SkyMall make your life complete.


~CW

I've never ridden in a Cadillac

Listen to it as a Podcast!

Powered by Podbean.com
 I'm going to start taking select essays and developing them as podcasts. Stay tuned for more radio versions of my laughable tales of oddity and self deprecation.

It was one of those winters that you'll never forget. One of the first winters I spent in Davenport, so one that will stick with me forever, branding Davenport Iowa as a city that has horrible, icy winters. In reality, the 3 years that I spent in davenport had fairly mild winters, but this was the first, so this was the one that had a lasting impression.


This winter was not bad because of the amount of snow. It was not even bad because of the temperature, which was frigid. The prevailing aspect of this winter that, to this day brings dread to my heart, was the ice. There were multiple ice storms and intermittent warm spells that would melt and refreeze, leaving ice as much 12 inches deep in some streets. The cars would drive through and create ruts in the ice, forming inevitable tracks through the streets that would lead your car, as if beyond your control, where the last car had gone.


It was on a particularly frosty morning that I came across Rita. Rita was a leathery woman with a scowl that shown through the most toothy grin. Her hair was a frazzled yellow gray mane that refused to be tamed by brush or hat, even in this arctic clime. Rita was known around the neighborhood as being crazy.


The story goes that Rita used to be a flight attendant. She would travel the country with her job, and was very good at what she did. But one day, the flight she was on didn't reach its destination. The pilot crash landed the plane, and while no one died, Rita was diagnosed with post traumatic stress syndrome. This affliction has manifested itself in many ways.


That cold winter morning, Rita's illness appeared in an interesting way. As I was driving to work, I noticed Rita on the street. She was wearing a sundress, a raincoat, and sandals. No winter coat, no sensible shoes, no hat. She didn't look miserable, but I could not fathom how she could be anything but hypothermic. So I pulled up along side Rita and asked if she needed a ride.


“Oh sure! I'm headin' to down to 3rd and Iowa Street.”


Her voice was vaguely southern in dialect, with a whimsical quality that could only be described as Blanche DuBois after smoking cheap cigars and drinking a fifth of whiskey. A lovely singsong cadence on an instrument that had long given out and only worked in screeches and rasps.


As we exited the parking lot and jostled over the uneven ice, Rita let out what I can only describe as a cackle – an unbridled giggle that, in another body, could be contagious, but coming from Rita, it was simply eerie.


“Are you a St. Ambrose Student?” She asked with a half grin.


I replied “No, I graduated from Monmouth College, last year.”


“Oh, Monmouth! I had a girl friend who went to Monmouth... She had a boy down there... I never went to Monmouth, but I visited... They were such beautiful people. I loved watching all the beautiful people...” her sentence trailed off as her eyes glazed and stared out the window.


At this point her eyes caught a panel on the door. My 2004 Toyota Corolla was equipped with automatic windows that were controlled from a faux wood panel on the arm rest. Stroking the poor mans mahogany accent, Rita mused, “I never thought I'd ride in a Cadillac...”


Unsure of what to say, I sat quietly, focusing on navigating the icy side streets. Rita's gaze floated from me to the wood on the door to a point in the distance. Under her breath she mused, “To dream the impossible...”


“DREAM!” I thought. The tension of here unpredictability was unnerving. Rita had always made me uneasy, but I was beginning to regret offering her a ride.


Luckily we we're nearing the place where I was to drop her off. Still a few blocks away, she turned to me and asked “Well, do you have any...Last requests?” then let out another cackle, solidifying the feeling of dread.


I couldn't tell if she thought she was a lounge singer or an executioner, but her instability was not something I wanted to test. I quickly found a space along the side walk and put the car in park. She sidled out of the vehicle with surprising fluidity and grace. As she wandered away from me and towards the warehouse on the corner, she turned and gave me one final toothy grin and a wiggle of her fingers, then laughed as she turned the corner.