Movin' On Up

The last month has been rather Hellish. You may have noticed the blatant lack of postings over the last 4 weeks. It is because I am in a funk. It's called the "I'm in a weird state of transition" Blues.

My lovely wife has recently finished her coursework at the University of Iowa in music therapy, and on June first she started her final hurdle on the road to certification: a six month internship. The location? Des Plaines, Illinois. So a little over a month ago, my dear wife, our worldly possessions in-tow, headed for the Chicago Suburbs. And I was left to fend for myself in Davenport, Iowa.

You'd think that without my wife around, I'd have nothing to do after work, so I'd be able to blog like crazy. That's what I thought. Unfortunately, an obstacle got in the way of my much-anticipated productivity. Writer's block.

It came in the form of lack of motivation. It came in the form of exhaustion, as I couldn't sleep well. It came in the form of YouTube and Facebook and working late and sleeping in. It hit me like a blitzkrieg on the London skyline. But the best way to move past a block is, simply put: start writing again. It's going to be stiff, it's going to be awkward, but it's the only way that I've found to actually get back into the rhythm.


"All Them Foreigners"

This weekend, Annie and I went down to Southeast Iowa to attend a wedding and then visit my mother. The wedding was beautiful, the weather was cool and overcast, and the rolling hills of Southeast Iowa tugged on my reminiscent heart strings.

On Sunday, we went to lunch with my mother at a little gas station-turned-grocery-store-and-restaurant (you know the type) in Farmington, Iowa. We pulled up under the converted gas awning and parked our car, the only Toyota I'd seen in at least three counties. As we went inside, I snagged a Bonny Buyer, the local classifieds rag. The cover was brightly promoting "Heartland Fireworks: Best selection, Best quality, Best price". Out of Wayland, Missouri, you know these folks are serious when they typify their final statement with five exclamation points!!!!!

As I flipped through the listings of Allis-Chalmers' and F-350's, an open wagon pulled by two scraggly-haired mules pulled up to the building. At the reigns was a man wearing the biggest cowboy hat and mustache combination I've ever seen. A girl who attended my high school sat beside the man, wearing a matching hat. Two Australian Shepherds panted lazily in the bed of the wooden cart. They strode in and sat down in a dingy booth across the room.

We chewed our pork tenderloins and country-fried steaks in relative silence and as we were finishing our meals, my mother leaned out of our booth and hollered to the couple,

"Hey guys! How are you? I haven't seen you in ages!"

With that, the couple wanders over to make small talk. I gear up for a superficial conversation with someone I've long since lost any common interests with. My mom announces,

"You remember Chris? This is his wife Annie. They're living in the Chicago area now, although I keep hoping they'll decide to come back!" She laughs at that, though there is more truth than jest in the statement.

The mustached man scoffs. "I used to drive truck through there on the way to Indiana. Always hated that stretch. Too many foreigners."

I clenched my teeth as I forced a polite smile. Below the table, Annie's grip was cutting off circulation to my left hand, signifying her disdain for the mustache clad mule driver. As the one-sided conversation continued, the man continued to explain how southeast Iowa was much better, without all the problems of the "Big City". In his mind, simpler was better.

We smiled and nodded and finally they left. We paid our ticket, and headed on our way as well, relieved to be removed from the mans closed minded epithets.

But the Mule man got me thinking. As he railed against several other ethnic identities, complained about the traffic, and besmirched the bureaucracy of city life, I realized that, from his limited perspective, these things were awful. Why would you want to interact with someone from India, who you could hardly understand, when you could talk to someone who was born and raised in America, lived down the road from you their whole life, and had the same experiences as everyone else in the county?

To me, this is what makes the city so exciting. We drove down Devon street last week, passing by shops promoting kosher meats, kebabs, sari's, Hijabs, and Bollywood films. The people who walked the crowded streets were probably Israeli, Pakistani, Iranian, Indian and who knows what else. They were likely Jewish, Muslim, Hindu, Christian, and Buddhist.

And I loved it. I watched every person who passed our car. Some were dressed head to toe in black robes. Others wore short shorts and tee shirts. Some had flowing robes of silk. One man had the most impressive beard I'd ever seen up close. The sheer diversity in culture as we drove down those half dozen blocks blew my mind. And they all lived in relative harmony.

To some, diversity is a frightening thing. As for me, I'll deal with the traffic to meet some people who haven't spent their whole life in the corn belt.

Facial Hair of a Renaissance Man

As I got ready for work this morning, I was faced with a choice: to shave or not to shave. I'd run the razor across my face yesterday, which for some would be sufficient in keeping the follicles from forcing new growth. Unfortunately, my chin is not so docile.

For time and convenience, I opted out of shaving this morning. Let my coworkers judge the stubble on my cheek. Today, I go for the rugged look.

But this predicament got me thinking about a more grandiose question:

What facial hair choice truly embodies the manliness for a man? Is there an ideal style for a true renaissance man? Let's consider the options:

Lumberjack Beard

Full, but kempt, this style is held by woodsmen and indie-folk singers alike. It protects a baby-face from the harsh elements of the Yukon as well as Portland. Coupled with a plaid shirt and a stocking cap, you can chop wood with ease. You can also pick up a guitar and lament the callouses.

Commendable Mustache

Some call this upper-lip protection a creeper-stache, but there is nothing creepy about someone who is man enough leave the face naked, save that space between the nose and mouth. Extra man points go to the gent who can apply a little mustache wax for the Dali-esque curls.

Rugged 5 o'clock shadow

A popular choice for men as of late, made popular by Abercrombe models and that guy who's been on the bachelor three times. Ideal for the man who likes the idea of shaving, but can't handle the rigors of a straight blade on his dermis. Dangerous for those new to the facial hair world, as patchy growth resembles mange.

Goatee

This style is often associated with french artists, turtle necks and beat poetry, but also has traction with strong silent types of the current day. The goatee that lacks a mustache is less commanding, and gives the appearance of an adolescent with a hormone imbalance.

Chinstrap

Great for Abe Lincoln impersonators. Also popular among the Amish. Both are virile and upstanding, yet the style hasn't caught on as much as first envisioned in the 19th century. This option has gained traction among gentlemen in their late teens, as that is all that many are capable of growing. Don't judge, they're modeling after the greats.

Muttonchops

Despite the popularity amongst college men, the muttonchops are really most appropriate in the 1970's. Accompanied with a light blue leisure suit, these ear warmers will be a knock out. They are also good for accentuating a strong jawline.

Clean Shaven and Dapper

By far the most popular choice, the clean shave has been popularized by the strong silent cowboys and the sharp tongued businessmen of the 50's and 60's alike. Hemingway references daily shaves in many of his books (while employing much more of a lumberjack do himself). Many of the founding father of America wore their chins bare for the world to admire. The clean shaven man displays a strong jaw, determined chin, and dashing smile.
 
The Conclusion

There are many other options for a manly man to consider when weighing his shaving options, but it seems from this review that a clean shave is the way to go. 

I guess I'll go home and shave...

Whichever style you choose, make a choice and own it. If your vying for the handlebar mustache, wear that Snidley Whiplash curl with pride. If you're going for a more subtle chinstrap look, keep it trimmed and proper.


What do you think? I encourage pictures of the above styles, or any others worth mentioning. Send the to chris.walljasper@gmail.com and I'll post them for all to comment upon. Write in your thoughts on which facial hair exudes the most manliness as well.